The Principle of a Philosopher by Eternal Fool “Asley” - Chapter 250

Chapter 250, Grill It Good

“…Wait, what did you just say?”

So I’ve walked with Lylia to meet up with Seki’teigyu, and things were going good so far, but then something so very unexpected turned up…

“Did you not hear me? I said, if able to, I would like to give you a unique name.”

I mean, man…

“No, I did hear that… but it’s the name itself that I have a problem with!”

“What? Whatever could be wrong with the name ‘Arrachera’?”

Who would’ve thought that Lylia had such a catastrophic naming sense!?

“Are you insane, Lylia!? That foolish mage isn’t messing with your head now, is he!?”

The unintended blow to my ego aside, it was totally expected that Seki’teigyu would be in disbelief at Lylia’s suggestion.

And that’s another animal added to the list of ones that have called me a fool. A few more, and I’ll be the fools’ version of the classic fairy tale princess, one who talks to all sorts of beasts… but always get called a fool by them.

But whatever happens, I’ll always be human, so that’s cool… Anyway, enough about me. This is quite a big problem for this Ox here, isn’t it?

“H-hey, you, Poer! Do something!”

“Uh, what exactly do you want me to do…? This problem is between you two, so…”

“This is no time to be carefree, human! If this situation is not prevented, I might end up in someone’s stomach before the world is saved!”

Okay, he sounds serious. So seriously serious.

If anything, it would be humiliating as all hell to be called ‘Arrachera!’ while we all charge into the Devil King’s army, that’s for sure.

“Whatever is even wrong with that name? Well, if you don’t like it, then fine. I do have another name thought up just case, anyway.”

“Ohh!”

Okay, looks like Lylia’s just been messing around.

Seki’teigyu seems happy to hear that as well, smiling as if it had just seen a hopeful ray of light.

“Now, next time we’re in battle, you follow my lead… Sir Loin.”

“THAT SOUNDS EVEN WORSE!!”

This is going nowhere.

And the majestic and robust Crimson King Ox is now looking quite depressed, as if it has sunk to the depths of the dark forces. It’s a wonder he isn’t crying yet.

At least both Lylia and Seki’teigyu seem to believe my ability to use the Contract Modification, perhaps because of my confidence… but now we’re unable to move on to the next step.

Welp, looks like I’ll have to offer a helping hand… again. Wouldn’t want the topic to be stuck at this step, eh?

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“And so we’re holding this meeting to decide on a unique name for Seki’teigyu! Let us begin!”

“”OOOHHHHHH!””

Seki’teigyu stopmed its feet in joy. Pochi gave my opening speech a cheerful round of applause.

“Hahahahaha! Now this sounds fun! But are you sure about letting me in on this?”

“Of course, Giorno. There’s no need to worry – I’ve set up a lot of fixed-position type Spell and Craft Circles in your patrol areas. They won’t kill any monsters, but we’ll know when they get close. As for how much ground they cover, well… let’s just say that it’s so much that my energy’s almost exhausted.”

“So much that your energy’s almost exhausted, eh… Yeah, I’m sure that means something in comparison to something… Hahaha…”

“Oh, I do know what he meant, Giorno! It’s like the difference of stupidity between an idiot and a fool, right, Master!?”

You little shit… Giorno here skirted around his point just to be nice, and you just went and made it sound weird!

“Hmm, but those are quite close to each other… aren’t they?”

“Hehe, yes, I suppose it is!”

And there she goes again, trying to act cute when she’s clearly not…

I know this kind of activity doesn’t happen often, so I do understand that Pochi’s having the time of her life now… but maybe she’s having a bit too much fun?

…Yeah, I’ll have to tell her off when she goes too far.

Anyway, the reason my energy almost running out is beacause I’m standing on a fixed-position Spell Circle of Giving Magic right now – it really makes a big difference in how much arcane energy I recover over time. It still takes long, considering how ridiculously huge my MP pool is, but getting back a few thousand in a minute or two is quite a lot.

“Why are we not using the names that I, the Master, have suggested for it?”

“It’s because your Familiar, the Crimson King Ox, refused to. Like, so repulsed by them to the point of having a physical reaction.”

“…Not that I understand why that would be, but fine, let us search for another solution.”

“Is it truly that difficult of a task?”

Giorno turned to ask me, looking quite confused. I quietly nodded.

“Just take a look at this.”

I used arcane energy to write some text in the air, listing out all the names Lylia had suggested for everyone to see.

“Whoa…”

Pochi blurted out. Well, of course she would, considering the list’s contents…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Then there’s Giorno, pointing at the list and bursting out in laughter.

He probably hasn’t seen this side of Lylia up until now, despite how long he’d been working with her.

“Arrachera, Sir Loin, Kalbi, Rump, Psoas, Chargrill, Aitchbone, Ossenstaart, Rumen… Master! I need more!”

Don’t talk to me like I’m a butcher, damn it.

“Shiro, wipe your damn drool. And stop talking. Seki’teigyu is getting more depressed with each name you say out loud.”

“Ooohhh… now I’m feeling the need for some rock salt and gravy, sir!”

Oh hell no…

“Hahahaha… Now that was a good laugh! Well, Lylia? Do you have anything more to suggest?”

“Hmph, you’d be better off not underestimating me. I AM thinking seriously – of course, I have a new suggestion.”

Lylia groaned, sounding somewhat annoyed. Goes to show how she’s still a serious person at heart, I suppose.

It’s just that her naming sense is so… catastrophic. Like, physically destructive, even.

“Hmm, why don’t you let us know, then?”

Giorno said, half-teasing.

“…Charqui- wait, no, that’s not right.”

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL, LYLIA!?”

Man, the Crimson King Ox is going crazy again. In a way, the Ox might be at an important crossroads of its lifetime. How unfortunate.

Oh, and Giorno is starting to lose it… I mean, more like he already did. Now he’s rolling on the ground, trying to hold his laughter.

And Pochi- Damn it, I know you know what ‘charqui’ is, but you don’t have to look so proud for recognizing it!

“Let me try that again…… -stuk.”

Lylia said, sounding unusually embarrassed.

I didn’t quite catch was she was trying to say, though.

Pochi, Seki’teigyu, and I listened carefully as I asked her,

“…Can you repeat that?”

“…Biefstuk.”

“WHY!?”

…Yes, some rock salt and gravy, please.

Oh, and now Pochi’s rolling on the ground laughing, just like Giorno.

“I-I laughed too much… my stomach hurts…”

“Ha… haha… me too, Shiro, me too… hahaha…”

“Ngh…!”

And Lylia looks quite troubled, unable to comprehend why she got yet another name rejected.

“AAAHHH! MAKE IT STOP! AHHHHHHHH!”

Seki’teigyu banged his head against a nearby stone wall as if to exorcise something out of its body.

Well, looks like this Familiar and its Master have more in common than I initially thought. Not that I can tell that to their faces, though – too personal.

“Gah… I knew we were working with the wrong person.”

I heaved a sigh and grumbled to myself, then proceeded to say,

“You know what, Lylia? Let’s try asking someone else.”

“What? So someone other than me will be deciding instead?”

Yes. Now let me just ignore how she just implied that she wanted to still have the final say in this…

Well, when I said ‘someone else’, there was really only one option…

“MOOOOOOO!!”

Yeah, that gigantic beast over there, who just reduced the nearby stone wall to a pile of pebbles.

I looked at Lylia, glanced at Seki’teigyu for a moment, then explained to Lylia how I want things to go.

“…Hmm, you do make a reasonable point there. Hey, Bief- I mean, Ox!”

Oh for God’s sake, Lylia, stop calling the Ox with food names already!

It’s a good thing that she corrected herself, but Seki’teigyu could have gone berserk if she had ended up saying the whole thing again, so I’d be quite thankful if she’d just stop it.

“Whew… whew…! What is it, Lylia!?”

Now this Ox is surprisingly mature, what with its ability to keep its sanity from crumbling to pieces.

“What kind of name do you want to have?”

Seki’teigyu, upon hearing Lylia’s serious question, started to calm its rough breathing.

Pochi and Giorno, on the other hand… They’re playing a game of checkers with the pieces of the smashed wall.

“Now wait a minute, Giorno!”

“Oh, I think not… you must live with your blunders, Shiro♪”

“I’ll tell you one of my Master’s embarrassing stories, so please let me try that again!”

“Hehehehehe… all right, then.”

So my private information is being traded like currency now, huh? We truly live in a society.

And I’m not supposed to even exist yet… What a troubling time I’ve found myself in.

“Well… let’s see! Something that sounds heroic and makes your blood boil… right, that would be great!”

Seki’teigyu repeatedly stomped the ground with its hooves.

Something heroic-sounding… yes, that would be fitting for the Crimson King ox, one of the five Sacred Beasts.

Now it’s finally opened up enough to state what it wants from its peers.

All that’s left is for both of them to decide on a name… which is the hard part, considering this pair. WHICH was why I’ve called a meeting, but Pochi and Giorno ended up being pretty useless.

Actually, no, there IS a point in everyone gathering here. This act of naming the Ox has a significance to its relationship with its Master, which in turn has a significance to the rest of us – it’s all connected.

Anyway, things are going good so far.

“All right, so fiery and passionate – that’s the kind of name you want?”

“Hell yeah! A fiery, passionate name! Give it to me!”

Ooh, are we finally getting somewhere?

Maybe we’re actually closer to the solution than I thought!

Mm-hm, that’s it, that’s it! Working together toward something with her Familiar – THAT is what’s actually important!

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And so…

Whether it’s God’s helping hand or the Devil army’s whim, there were very few monster sightings for the rest of the day, so Lylia and Seki’teigyu were free to carry on their heated debate all night long.

I joined in for a little bit as well, offering a few bits of advice as we worked out the direction of the name.

Everyone involved was passionate, riding on the wave of pure excitement, and eventually, Lylia and the Crimson King Ox finally were able to go through with the Contract Modification.

…And so, the next morning…

Lylia equipped herself and headed out, on the back of the heroically swaggering Crimson King Ox, in response to the usual monster alert.

“Time to go, Weldhun!”

“Hmph! I’ll trample everything in my way!”

Mmm, so tasty.